My story
Anonymous
(29/1/2004)
From as far back as I can remember I felt there was no God! My dad is an alcoholic and was a terrifyingly abusive man. My early childhood memories are dominated by violence, abuse and fear!! He used to lash out at all of us including my mother and no-one escaped the violence. I have a list of injuries that would shock even the most seasoned psychologist and the neglect and lack of care that naturally arose from such a situation was just as hard to deal with. Now I know in Ireland this story is not new however in most cases there is another family member who comes to the rescue...
My story has no such knight in shining armour. You see my mother is also a gambler and an alcoholic and there was no help from that side either. She herself was abusive too and used us only as a tool in whatever her latest game was. All this I list just to help you to understand that although I was raised in a Catholic home.. you can understand why I felt like God didn't exist. I mean if he did why was all this happening to me??
Even so, I did what the priests told me and I prayed and prayed. I remember specifically asking God to stop dad's drinking and if he did I would be good forever. When it didn't happen I felt doubly wounded. Either there was no God and I was doomed, or there was a God and he didn't care about me either. No matter which way I looked at it I lost out!
SSo I chose to believe that there was no God and began a work of convincing everyone else this too. However I was left with a nagging question in my mind.. if there is no God then what am I doing here and where do I go when I die? That thought tormented me and I became terrified of dying, the thought of dying and the thought of anyone I loved dying. It was awful to wander in the darkness not knowing where to turn.
Eventually I came in contact with a group of people who said they had the answer!! Well I thought they were a bunch of lunatics.. but they had something that I didn't. They had an obvious peace and assurance about both life and death and this intrigued me at first. Eventually I began to ask questions and hear answers that were like cool water to a parched throat. There is a God they told me .. and he loves you so much. In fact he loves you so much he died for you!! I couldn't believe it! I had never heard the bible talked about like this and it was so refreshing..but most of all I began to believe what they said about the life and death of Jesus Christ and how he died for MY sins.
Anyway I searched and questioned and prayed for enlightenment until one day I felt..this is it..make or break time. So I took a deep breath and asked God to save my soul! and he did!! I felt a peace that I had never known before..an assurance of love that I had craved since my life began. You will never know the joy that gave me and still gives me. My God loves me and has made a place for me in his eternal kingdom. Praise the Lord.!! Since that day my life has been turned around dramatically by the work of God by his Spirit in me! I am no longer controlled by fear and shame but I stand tall in the knowledge of the saviours love for me! Every day I thank God for what he did for me. In the quiet of my heart I rest in the safety of his love.
My one request of Him is that my family would be saved.. They need His forgiveness and love so much. If you read this story please pray for them. Though you don't know them.. God does. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this story of my life which is now a story of God's grace and mercy and his unending love.